Just when I think I’m actually getting this whole business, when I can plainly see that I’ve grown as a writer, that I’m so much better than I was before, that’s when it happens. Another veil is snatched away from before my eyes, and I see that what I thought was so clear was, well, only understood in its most shadowy, insubstantial way. That I have so much more to learn, and then to process into my writing.
I had this happen last night. An editor gave me a wonderful, lengthy critic of why my story ‘almost’ made it, but didn’t. It opened my eyes to things in my own story, to edits I could have–no, should have–made, but simply did not see. Suddenly, I saw! I saw what it could have been, and how I’ll need to incorporate this knowledge carefully into my writing skill-set, working hard to not forget it again, until it becomes a part of me. I saw how much still waits before me, when before I was only seeing how far I had come.
Now, you may think this sounds terrible. After all, if you feel there’s still so much more, well, how far does one have to go? And how long will it take. Yes, sometimes I do get tired, and wonder these things. I won’t lie and say I don’t. But mostly, especially when it happens like this time, I gasp in awe at the beauty, the subtlety of the thing I’ve just “learned,” wondering that I didn’t see it myself before. It seems so obvious, but it just plain eluded my senses.
It’s a sense of wonder that pulls me out of any despair over “I’ll never get this” or “This takes so long,” and I love it. I love that heart-swamping emotion, feeling it spread throughout my mind and body. I hope it never goes away. I hope…I hope there never comes a day when I feel there’s nothing more to learn about writing, about improving my own writing.
I’m not saying I don’t want to improve. I want to continually improve. I just want that improvement to open door onto new revelations, new vistas for my soul to feast upon. I want to see my own stories in new lights, with that small gasp of “Oh! I never thought of that before! I didn’t see how that could be changed, ever so slightly, to enhance the story so greatly.”
I hope this sense of wonder goes on and on.